To end the Pain
by CullenTwilightFan
Summary: Set in new moon. Bella is suicidal, she never became friends with Jacob and she finally decides to end it. Rated T for suicide and bad language.


**A/n Hey, I don't know if this is any good or not, so please tell me what you think. This took me forever to type up, so I didn't even start my English homework…..well I screwed, but please enjoy and review.**

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own twilight….or any of its characters. But angry letters have been sent, demanding that Edward and Carlisle are dropped on my doorstep so that I can take them hostage and NEVER let them out of my sight………and I think I'll ask for Jacob too…**

8 months. That's how long it had been. 8 months without him. 8 months of feeling numb. I'm surprised that I've lasted this long.

Since the day they left, I felt wrong. Unloved. Worthless. Night time was always the worst. I was like a zombie through out the day, like my brain wasn't connected to the rest of my body, so It could just float away into the clouds and forget the world existed. I don't mind though. I'm happy to be separate from the world. Being her, but not actually _being _here. I'm just the empty shell of who I used to be.

But everything was different at night, I came floating back down to reality. The pain seeped its way back in at night. Like it had been hiding in the shadows all day, watching me. Waiting till I was lying sleeplessly in bed to creep up on me and scream in my face how much of a fuck up I was. There was no way to stop it. It always came in a wave, flooding me, knocking down all the walls I'd put up to keep it away in the day. It was unbearable. But eventually the numbness I loved so much would return and I could fall into a nightmare filled sleep until I woke up screaming again.

So that's how I ended up here about 100 metres from the edge of a cliff. I didn't know what time it was, all I knew was that id been sitting here for hours and it had gotten dark. And I was going to jump.

I guess I had finally snapped. Well, not really, I snapped months ago, seeing as this was going to be my third attempt at suicide. Yep, third. Well, I don't really count the second one. The first time…I took a load of sleeping pills. It was the first night I spent alone. I had tried to sleep but I just wok up screaming from the worst nightmare I have ever had. I expected him to be there, holding me, telling me that it was just a dream and that everything was going to be okay. But he wasn't .

That was when I had decided that if my life was going to be spent wishing they were here, then I didn't want to live it. So I simply drove to the store, waited for it to open, and brought as many sleeping pills as I could. I didn't go home though, I refused to let Charlie be the one to find me. Sadly I was found, driven to hospital and I survived.

The second attempt, which I don't really call an attempt was a few weeks after that. When I realized that I could just have used Charlie's gun and shot myself instead I actually laughed. It was bitter and kind of creepy but I did laugh. So I took his gun, wrote a note saying how sorry I was, put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. For at least 10 minutes after that I stood with my eyes closed in that position. The I burst out into hysterics, how could I have been so stupid? Of course , Charlie took all the bullets out., he was living with someone suicidal so he had to. The laughter eventually turned to tears and soon I was a wreck, curled up in a ball on the floor. I had been to focused on ending it that I hadn't even bothered to check if it even had bullets in. But at least no one found out about that one.

After that I gave up. Id cheated death too many times, so I figured I must still be alive for a reason. Alive, but messed up. But I went back to school, I went out with friends, well pretended to, nobody wanted to be seen with a suicidal maniac. I obviously must be messed up, because that made me wonder why. Forks was a small town, they'd never had a suicidal maniac before, what happened to the whole 'shiny new toy' thing?

Anyway, eventually Charlie stopped worrying so much, he thought a miracle had happened and I was cured. But I wasn't. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep and inside I was completely fucked up. I needed them, but they were never coming back and I just had to try to accept it.

Eventually forks forgot about my little suicide attempt and things went back to normal. I even got my job back, everyone assumed I was fine. But eventually, and in a particularly boring biology lesson, the normalcy got to me. How could anything go back to normal? It was like he never existed… least he kept one of his promises. Even the seat next to me had forgotten its previous, perfect occupant and replaced him for Mike Newton.

My life had lost all its meaning, I had gone back to who I was before I came here, but a more suicidal version. I hated that person, she had never known how it felt to truly love someone or how it felt for someone to truly love her….even if it was all a lie. I felt like I was suffocating. There was no sign of any of them, no proof that they had ever been to forks, or that they even existed. Were they even real? They had to have been. No matter how crazy I was, I could never make up something that perfect or anyone so beautiful.

But that awful feeling was still there was still there, what if they never existed? All this time, a small part of me believed that they would come back, then everything would really go back to normal, and we would all live happily ever after. That could happen though. It was believable.

Unless none of it happened. Which was more likely, I moved to forks an fell in love with a vampire and his perfect vampire family or I was insane. Due to the lack of evidence, I had to believe I had made it all up.

Once again I decided I'd had enough, I was going to end it, again. But this time I was not going to fail. I drove out of school as fast as I could and here I was.

I was sitting in my old truck, deciding weather or not I should do this. I wanted to. So badly. But what about Mom? Or Dad? This time there was no one around to save me, the second I jumped of this cliff, there would be no going back. I could finally get the peace I wanted. No more pain, no more waking up screaming in the middle of the night, and no more memories. I had to do this.

I jumped out my truck and started running, leaving the door wide open and the key in the ignition. And I didn't leave a note this time, they'd already read my other one and they new my reasons for doing this. I was being selfish, but I just couldn't live like this anymore.. They would understand.

I heard the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks, waiting for me to jump so they could fill my lungs with the salty water. It was dark, but the light from the moon allowed me to make out where the edge of the cliff was. I was getting closer, and I forced myself to run faster.

I finally reached the edge and I didn't slow down, I didn't even think. I just smiled as I felt the land disappear from beneath my feet. I was flying. I laughed at the thought that this was the end, it was finally over, there would be no more pain. I was free. I didn't even realize that I was screaming how much I loved him until I landed in the dark, icy ocean, and the salty water filled my mouth, forcing its way down my throat as I gasped for air. The waves grabbed me and then threw me furiously against the hard rock. I would have tried to scream but I welcomed the pain. I was ready for this.

But during my last to attempts, he was there. Screaming at me to stop. Telling me that he wanted me to be happy. This was the end, and he wasn't even here. I was expecting him to be, so I could see him one last time and die happy. But I guess he really didn't care. I guess none of them really cared. My body stopped trying to fight against the waves and I felt myself fading. This was it._ Nobody cared…….._

**So what did you think? Please review, it will make me happy. I'm not sure if I'm going to carry on or keep this as a one shot, so please tell me what you want me to do. REVIEW.**


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